quakeache.txt

Outbreak of Quake Ache Associated with a LAN party - 
Massachusetts, 1998 

The findings in this report document an growing 
recreational source for an emergent disease called Quake Ache

PRESS CONTACT:
Max Payne, M.D. 
Massachusetts Department of Health 
(413) 577--5000
(Amherst, MA) 

On July 10, 1998, the Massachusetts Department of Health 
was notified of fifteen cases of an emergent disease known 
as Quake Ache among a group of University students who had 
attended a LAN party at their place of employment, UMass 
Transit Service. UTMS provided the health department with 
a list of people that had "Quaked until their brains leaked 
out" during the weekend of June 28-30. A total of 20 case-
patients were identified; 18 laboratory confirmed with Quake 
Ache symptoms.  All but one of the case-patients reported 
failing relationships; 16, severe headache; 14, markedly 
diminished social skills; 11, broken wrists from slamming 
their hands on their desks with frustration, and 8, bloody 
stools (reason unknown.  It is hypothesized that this may 
be due to a steady diet of pepperoni pizza, the most easily 
available food during the LAN party). Six patients were 
hospitalized. The conference room of UMTS in this outbreak 
was designed as a meeting area for business purposes and not 
as an interactive play area. However, the room was a popular 
attraction for college students who are trying to get away 
from their significant others, who don't have significant 
others due to profoundly inadequate socialization, or who 
are too poor to buy an air conditioner. The median age among 
case-patients in this outbreak was 22 years. It appears that 
the disease uses a hitherto undisovered vector:  it spreads 
through computer-to-computer contact via network cables, 
then jumps to the users through their eyeballs.  The CDC 
advised users in July not to play Quake, but after they were 
pelted with pencils, staplers, and copies of "Teach Yourself
Access in 14 Days" they rescinded the advice.  At this time, 
the only known cure for Quake Ache is to a regimen of Pong, 
played for 14 days.